


Stuck in the dark

by velocitygrass



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Implied/Referenced Homophobia, M/M, Minor Character Death, Self-Denial
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-23
Updated: 2014-06-23
Packaged: 2018-02-05 22:45:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,643
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1834948
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/velocitygrass/pseuds/velocitygrass
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>John nearly dies and realizes something must change. When that something is dating the new chemist, Rodney can't deal.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Stuck in the dark

**Author's Note:**

> Posted for McSheplets challenge #178: Learning Experience. There's minor Ronon/Amelia and canonical Teyla/Kanaan. The death is just a redshirt.

Even as he falls John thinks that he shouldn't have let his feelings get the better of him. The fall is long. Far too long. Then there's the pain of impact and blackness.

~~

He'd been very happy at the prospect of finding an experimental weapons lab down in the West pier. The linguists had discovered some hints, and John thought it sounded promising enough to check it out immediately. He'd gone to Teyla first, not sure if she'd have time. He wasn't too surprised when he found that she wasn't even on Atlantis but had gone to the Athosians with Kanaan and Torren.

Going with Ronon and Rodney would be enough, though. He only wanted to take a look and see if there was actually anything there. When he got to Ronon, though, he wasn't alone. It didn't look like he'd actually _interrupted_ anything, but John still got a big enough 'You're not welcome' vibe that he beat a hasty retreat.

By that point his enthusiasm had been severely dampened. Rodney was likely to be busy with things that were—at least in his mind—more important than checking out a lab with John, which might or might not exist. But when John got to Rodney's lab, he was already shutting down his computer.

"Perfect!" John said, clapping his hands together. "You, me, and a secret weapon's lab in the West pier."

"What?" Rodney said, frowning at him.

"The linguists think there might be secret lab in the West pier that was used for weapons research. Get your gear, and we can check it out."

"I can't," Rodney said, sighing.

"Secret. Lab. Weapons. Research," John repeated slowly, in case Rodney had missed it the first time, because it was unlike Rodney not to be at least curious about it.

"I heard you the first time, but I still can't. Jennifer wasn't happy when I postponed our date the last two times. And if I tell her I'd rather go on a mission than have dinner with her..."

"But you would," John said. He was fairly certain of that, given how Rodney looked.

"It's been there for thousands of years. It can wait another day. Unlike Jennifer. Priorities, Colonel."

Then he left without another word or look back, leaving John standing in the empty lab.

John should have just waited and properly scheduled a mission with all four of them. Instead, he'd left Rodney's lab, feeling so deserted that when a young marine rounded the corner, John put on his charming commander smile and asked if he wanted to check out the West pier with him.

~~

John doesn't know how long he's been unconscious when he finally comes to. He rolls over, feeling his whole body ache. He sits up, relieved that nothing seems to be broken. He must have been really lucky. One of their flashlights survived the fall, though its light is directed at the wall so that the rest of whatever it is they fell into is quite dark.

John scans the area and finally realizes the lump a bit left of him must be the private he commandeered into this mission. He gets the flashlight, so that he can check for any obvious wounds before he tries to wake the private.

It takes only a second of the light for John to know that it won't be necessary. The lifeless eyes, staring at him are a dead—no pun intended—give-away, but John still checks for a pulse that he knows won't be there.

Shit!

The private had been eager to help his commanding officer. He hadn't been on Atlantis for longer than two months. He'd been twenty-four. What a fucking mess. John takes a deep breath and reaches for his head piece only to find it gone. He shines the flashlight over the ground, finding the head piece next to him—broken.

He carefully checks the private's head, but he must have fallen head first, breaking his neck in the fall as well as his head piece.

John blanches as a sudden realization strikes him. He'd been so desperate to prove to himself that it didn't matter to him that all his friends abandoned him that he'd gone with the private, easily chatting away and attempting to make small talk, and had neglected to inform anyone of what he'd planned.

It was an entirely stupid mistake. He'd meant to wait with informing the control room until he knew who exactly would join him. And after even Rodney had told him that he ranged in priority somewhere below a date with Jennifer that he apparently wasn't even looking forward to all that much, he'd only thought about not giving into his disappointment and going ahead with his plans anyway.

Well, at least he's certain that a missing John will rate higher in terms of Rodney's priorities than a dinner date.

~~

It's not that he hasn't gone as long without food and water. It's also not that he shares this tiny bit of space with a dead body. He knows it's his own fault for not following protocol, but at some point John comes to the realization that he might _die_ here.

And it's terrifying not so much because of the possibility of death—that's always just around the corner for him, every time he goes on a mission—no, it's that he'll die here on Atlantis because nobody noticed he was missing. He _knows_ that the control room can start scanning the unused areas of Atlantis and that a single life sign on the west pier will stick out like a sore thumb. But somebody will first have to order them to do it. Someone will have to first ask, "I haven't seen the Colonel since last afternoon," or, "Where's Sheppard?" or, "Why is John not here?" But as the hours tick away John realizes that nobody seems to be asking themselves these questions. Nobody cares enough to even _notice_.

In the end, he starts to think that if he dies, it'll make it much harder to find them.

~~

John wasn't exactly close to dying when they finally found him, but he'd come close enough to come to a few realizations.

The biggest one was that he was no longer the most important person to any of his team members. This wasn't exactly news, but in some ways John had still operated under the impression that if he wanted to hang out with someone, at least one of them would be more than willing. And this just wasn't true. All of them had always had things in their life other than John Sheppard, but it had come to a point where John wasn't just second priority or third, but somewhere below that. And that was _okay_.

Teyla had left her _people_ to stay with them on Atlantis. He would never begrudge her that she put her family first. He wouldn't expect anything else. And he was _happy_ that Ronon had found a nice girlfriend. And Rodney had always been very busy doing brilliant things that kept them alive. If he had a girlfriend now too, well, there wasn't anything John could do about it.

The problem wasn't _them_. The problem was that John had never bothered to get to know some of the other people on Atlantis. His team were his friends and family, and even now John didn't intend to change that. And it wasn't like they completely ignored him. He still went running with Ronon and trained with him and Teyla, and he still drank beer or watched old tv shows with Rodney when they had a moment. But that didn't mean that he couldn't also go smoke a cigar with Richard every now and then or play a match of chess with Radek.

He could sit with some geologists or biologists or his own men every now and then in the mess hall. And he could say yes when someone asked him out on a date.

Don't ask don't tell had been officially suspended for members of the SGC, and Chris Henderson, one of the chemists who'd come with them from Earth, had asked him out not long after they'd returned to the Pegasus Galaxy. John had been surprised and actually pleased, but in the end he'd told Henderson he wasn't interested right now, knowing that he'd indirectly admitted he was into men.

He had no idea if Henderson had told anyone, and it didn't really matter to John. After they got the order about DADT, he'd decided not to hide any longer should the situation come up, but he'd also not made any announcements.

Now he thought that the time had come to take Henderson up on that offer.

~~

The date was nice. It wasn't the kind of thing where you just _clicked_ with the other person, but Chris had been pleasant enough, even though there were some things that John disagreed with. He wasn't even sure how they'd come to talk about children, but when Chris admitted that he really didn't know what to do with them in a dismissive way, John couldn't help saying, "I used to want them."

They'd had a pretty interesting discussion about having children as gay men and all in all, John didn't regret his decision to go out with him. They walked back to the living quarters together. "You'll probably not want to come in for some non-existent coffee?" Chris asked as they stood in front of his door. John laughed. It made Chris smile. "Wherever this is going, we could still have some fun," he suggested.

And John had to agree with that. He had no idea where this would be going, but fun...he was definitely on board with some fun. It had been far too long.

~~  
~~

Rodney was already reaching out to push his laptop aside to make space for John, when John just gave them a quick smile and then walked on to sit at another table with some of the scientists. "What is he doing?" Rodney asked the round at large.

"Looks like eating to me," Ronon said.

Jennifer chuckled. "And drinking," she added.

"He also appears to be talking," Teyla said, looking very serious until she couldn't help cracking a smile.

"You're all hilarious. Why didn't he come here? I was just going to make space," Rodney asked.

"Rodney. Is there a reason why John should not eat at that table?" Teyla asked him patiently.

"That's hardly the point," he told her.

"What _is_ the point?" Ronon asked.

"He's always eating with us!"

"No, he isn't," Jennifer disagreed. "I saw him eating with some scientists too yesterday morning. Actually, I think it was the same. At least, one of them. The tall, blonde, uh..."

"Handsome?" Teyla added.

"Yes," Jennifer conceded, giving Rodney a careful look.

"Henderson?" Rodney said, not giving her the satisfaction of being jealous. "He's a chemist," he added.

"I've seen them together too," Ronon added.

"So what? He's not eating with us any longer?" Rodney almost shouted. As everyone stared at him, he realized he might have gone a bit overboard with this. Or at least that he wasn't going to get any help from the others. "I need to get to the lab," he said, standing up to do just that.

~~

Rodney tried not to think about it too much, but he couldn't help it. Something had been different about John after he'd been stuck in that Ancient containment shaft for almost a day. He'd felt horrible about not realizing that John was missing sooner. So had Teyla and Ronon for that matter.

It had been _Lorne_ who'd finally started the search for him, and it was something that neither of them was likely to forget. They'd all apologized to John. Rodney knew that Ronon had been training with him more than he used to lately. Teyla had offered to spent some time with him too, inviting him to join her and her family to the Athosians, but John had declined. In fact, John had acted as if nothing had happened and as if he was okay with the way things were and that they hadn't noticed that he'd gone missing until a _day_ later.

But now it occurred to Rodney that it wasn't that simple. John had just taken a different route to punish them. And Rodney was frustrated by that, even as he felt guilty.

When John walked into his lab later that day, seemingly completely at ease and smiling, Rodney couldn't let it go. "Look, I know that what happened is pretty unforgivable, but we said we were sorry. There's not much we can do except to make sure it never happens again, which I can guarantee it won't."

John looked confused. "I know, Rodney. I told you it's okay. I'm fine."

"Then what's with the shunning?" Rodney said, probably a bit louder than intended.

"Shunning?" John asked incredulously.

"You know. Walking straight past us at the lunch table," Rodney said.

"It's _shunning_ when I eat with someone else?" John asked.

"You never did before," Rodney pointed out.

"Is it 'shunning' when you eat at a table with Jennifer?" John asked.

"Well, that's different," Rodney said.

"Why?" John asked.

"Because we're dating!" Rodney said, getting fed up with having to tell John the obvious.

"Well, so are we," John answered.

Rodney's mouth opened but no sound came out. He didn't know how long he stood like that, staring at John. Eventually John had enough and gave him a slightly disappointed look before leaving.

~~

John spent a lot of time with his _boyfriend_. At least, it seemed that way to Rodney. The others apparently didn't notice or didn't care. Things were pretty good again between John and Ronon and John and Teyla. Though truthfully, they had never really turned bad. Unfortunately, Rodney couldn't say the same of his own relationship with John.

It seemed to him that whenever he wanted to spend time with John, John already had a date with his _boyfriend_. "He doesn't have to spent every waking moment with him," Rodney complained at dinner one day, which John, of course, shared with his boyfriend.

"Every waking moment?" Ronon asked.

"When have _you_ last eaten with him," Rodney asked him.

"Lunch," Ronon said without a beat.

"I had breakfast with John," Teyla added.

"Great, so it's just me, who gets sidelined for the _boyfriend_ ," Rodney said, unable to hide the distaste from his voice.

"You have a problem with gays?" Ronon asked, stopping to eat for a moment.

"What?! No!" Rodney said.

"You do seem...upset about John's relationship with Chris," Teyla added carefully.

So he was Chris now and no longer Henderson. "I'm not upset," Rodney said, realizing that he sounded defensive. But he couldn't exactly do anything about it. He could only say the truth. "And I have no problem with being gay or bisexual or whatever you want to be as long as it involves consenting adults." And they were obviously consenting, Rodney thought, watching John smile at the new man in his life. Rodney didn't want to see it. He got up and left.

~~

Rodney wasn't upset, but he definitely wasn't happy either. Hell, he didn't know anything about Henderson. He hadn't blown anything up, yet, but that hardly made him brilliant. He could be good for John for all that Rodney knew. As much as it pained him to admit it, Rodney had to concede that he was probably overreacting a bit. He vowed to keep his cool the next time John spent time with his boyfriend rather than with Rodney.

It turned out, though, that it didn't even take John being with Henderson to set Rodney off.

They were going on a mission the next morning, and when John sauntered into the gateroom, putting on his sun glasses and looking like the cat that swallowed the canary or probably other things, Rodney's mood plummeted before they even went through the gate.

"Well, you look very relaxed," Teyla commented playfully, and Rodney only got more pissed off.

Why the hell was everyone acting as if it was the best thing that could have happened to John? Jennifer had told him that she thought they looked cute together. Ronon simply said, "I like him," one day after Henderson had apparently joined him and John on their morning run. And Teyla was obviously pleased about John not even trying to hide that he must have gotten laid really spectacularly the night before.

"I'm not sure relaxed is the word I'd use," John responded, grinning at her.

Rodney stopped in his tracks. He wasn't sure he could listen to this any longer. Next thing he knew John would recount the ways that Henderson was such an amazing fuck.

"McKay." Ronon gave him a slightly warning look, and Rodney walked on.

They finally changed the topic of conversation to the village they were about to visit, but Rodney found that he couldn't even look at John without wondering if he was moving differently and what they might have done last night to cause it.

Eventually, John noticed, or maybe he'd noticed earlier, but hadn't said anything. Whatever it had been, now he seemed to think that he _had_ to speak. "Okay, cut it out, McKay! I don't know what crawled up your ass and died, but get a grip on it," he said sharply.

"There is and was nothing near my ass," Rodney shot back without really thinking about it, "which is more than I can probably say for you."

John looked struck. Rodney began to regret what he'd said, but before either of them could say anything, Ronon had lifted him by his neck. "No problems with gays, huh?" he said darkly.

Rodney struggled until Teyla quietly said, "Ronon," and Ronon let him down. He kept his hand around Rodney's neck though.

"I'm not homophobic," Rodney said. He could see that Ronon wasn't buying it any longer, so Rodney added, "I slept with guys, okay. Is that enough to convince you?"

"No," Ronon said. "That doesn't mean anything. I had a commander like that. Took guys to bed at night, and the next day he'd mistreat others for doing the same."

"I'm not like that. I'm not a hypocrite. I have _nothing_ against gays," Rodney tried to reassure him.

Ronon only looked over to John then back to Rodney.

"I...I just want him to be happy," Rodney said. And no matter how great in bed he was, Rodney wasn't convinced that Henderson would really do that. Being a good lay wasn't enough to make John happy. John was...complex beneath his easy-going military commander persona. And he couldn't believe that Henderson could appreciate even a fraction of what made John so special. _That_ was why he simply couldn't help his doubts.

"There's one way to find out," Ronon said and pushed Rodney towards Sheppard, who looked stoic.

"Are you?" Rodney asked. When John didn't answer, he added, "Happy."

John's jaw clenched, but he didn't say anything.

Rodney took that as confirmation of his doubts. "See, I knew it!"

"We've been together for less than a month. You want me to declare him the love of my life after two and a half weeks?" John asked him.

"Not if he's obviously not," Rodney said.

"There's nothing obvious about anything. It hasn't been long enough to tell. At least, for _me_ ," John added with an undertone towards Rodney.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Rodney asked.

"Nothing," John said, obviously meaning the opposite. "I just know that when you crashed into that mine with Keller and Carter, you were all, 'Hey, Keller asked me out, isn't that weird?' and a few weeks later you told her that you loved her 'for some time now'."

Rodney blanched. "That's... What are you trying to say? That I just chose the next best woman who showed any interest in me?"

"Those were _your_ words," John said.

"It isn't like that!" Rodney shouted. "That's insane. You think I'd be so desperate to get married that I didn't care who it was as long as she was willing? You think I care that much about what my sister says?" Rodney stopped himself, realizing that everyone was staring at him. "Well, I don't!" Rodney looked around, and he could see that nobody believed him. "I can't believe you think that of me. What about Ronon? It's not like he didn't want Jennifer too and now he's got himself a new girl. You started dating out of _nowhere_ after five years, and we never even heard of Kanaan before he knocked her up." Rodney regretted the words as soon as they were out of his mouth.

He heard Teyla's gasp, but before he could apologize, John stepped up to him and coldly told him, "Shut your mouth."

~~

Rodney went to see Teyla straight after their post-mission check-up. "I am so, so sorry," he said. He deeply regretted his words. "I didn't mean it like it sounded. I _know_ that you and Kanaan have been friends forever and that your relationship is...deeper than anything most of us will probably ever experience ourselves. What I said was unforgivable, but I still hope that you'll find it in you to forgive me."

"You have already been forgiven," Teyla said, looking at him seriously.

Rodney sighed in relief. "Thank you. I know I don't deserve it. I was simply...so angry. But it didn't have anything to do with you, and I shouldn't have dragged you—or Ronon—into it."

"Have you asked yourself why you were so angry?" Teyla asked.

Rodney had very much tried not to think about it. And his mind had been too pre-occupied hoping that he hadn't ruined his friendship with Teyla and Ronon forever. "I don't know," he admitted.

"I am aware of that," Teyla said kindly, the shadow of a smile forming on her face.

Rodney frowned. "He isn't right. Jennifer is great. She's smart and hot and nice. What's not to love about her?"

"Kanaan is loyal, kind, and has a wonderfully dry sense of humor," Teyla said. Rodney wasn't sure where she was going, so he just let her continue. "But you could say the same of John, and yet, I am not in love with _him_."

"Neither am I," Rodney said defensively, feeling his heart-rate pick up.

Teyla raised an eyebrow at that. "That was not what I meant. I meant to say that just because someone has qualities that we admire and even treasure does not necessarily mean we will love them. It takes more than that. And it is nothing you have to explain. It is simply there."

Rodney didn't know what Teyla was trying to tell him. And he wasn't sure he wanted to know. So he simply nodded politely and apologized once again before leaving her.

~~

Ronon was alone in his room and thankfully didn't look as if he was going to force Rodney into a little hand-to-hand training session. He still looked pissed off with Rodney though.

"Did you apologize to Sheppard and Teyla?" he asked.

"In part," Rodney said. "And I want to apologize to you. I was completely out of line."

Ronon shrugged. "You were right about me. I'm not sure I would have gone out with Amelia if it weren't for Keller. But I do like her."

"I _know_ ," Rodney immediately said. "When I see you two together...she's special. Who in their right mind would train with you for _fun_?"

Ronon grinned, but then became serious again. "You should still apologize to Teyla and Sheppard."

"I have spoken with Teyla," Rodney said.

"Sheppard too," Ronon insisted.

"I _know_ ," Rodney admitted grudgingly. He'd kept John for last because it was going to be the hardest. He still didn't even know what was wrong with him and why he was so angry about John's new boyfriend. Well, he knew what it _wasn't_. "I'm really not homophobic."

"Doesn't matter how you feel. It's what you _do_ ," Ronon said. "I never said anything to my commander. And I always regretted it. It wasn't right. And staying silent made it seem I was okay with it."

"I understand," Rodney said. "But I'm really not—I don't even know why this bothers me so much," he finally admitted.

Ronon snorted.

"What?" Rodney asked, frowning.

Ronon gave him a look. "I could tell you, but you won't like it."

Rodney's jaw clenched. There were few things he hated more than being made to feel stupid. He knew he should ask Ronon and then tell him how wrong he was, but somehow he couldn't bring himself to do it.

Ronon smiled. "And I think you know it too, or you'd ask."

Okay, enough was enough. He'd done what he came to do. He'd apologized. There was no need to stay and listen to Ronon's insinuations.

~~  
~~

John wasn't surprised to find Rodney in his office not long after the mission. "You talked to Teyla and Ronon?" he asked, because he needed to know that they were okay as a team.

"I apologized to both of them," Rodney confirmed.

"So you're okay again?" John pressed.

"Yeah," Rodney said.

John relaxed. He had enough time to get over his anger about what Rodney had said. The part that came afterwards, the figuring out what was up with Rodney, wasn't as easy though. He tried to understand, to see things from Rodney's perspective. And while he was very wrong in _some_ of the things he'd said, he'd also had something of a point when it came to John. "It _was_ falling into that pit and not knowing if I'd come out," John admitted.

"And I'm really, really sorry about it," Rodney said. "I felt so horrible. I wish I had gone with you. But I couldn't brush Jennifer off again. I made my choice and I'm sticking with it."

"Your choice?" John asked. He wasn't sure what Rodney was talking about. He'd as good as admitted that he was only with Keller because his sister had pressured him. But John wasn't sure Rodney was aware of that admission, and he wasn't sure if he'd call it a _choice_ , because a choice was usually between two things.

"I mean, I'm with Jennifer and that's it," Rodney said evasively.

"Chose her over what?" John asked.

"I didn't say I chose her over someone else," Rodney said defensively.

"What _did_ you say?" John asked, noticing full well that Rodney was making it about a person now.

"Nothing, okay, nothing!" Rodney shouted. "Why the hell does everyone think I'm in love with you?!"

John was stunned. "I never said anything—"

"Not you," Rodney said, more calmly again. "But Teyla and Ronon. Even Jennifer. She once—just because I...like you. I'd have to be blind not to see how hot you are. But I'm not an idiot. I wasn't pathetic enough to fall for someone who'll never ever— Fuck."

"Rodney," John said softly, taking a step closer.

"I don't want your pity!" Rodney said, evading John.

"I'm not offering pity! Why do you _think_ I didn't date before now?" John said. Rodney couldn't be so blind, could he?

Rodney frowned. "Don't humor me. And if you think this is funny, I swear I'm going to...well, do something very bad that you'll regret."

John snorted. Then he sobered. "I was tired of waiting. For something that would never happen."

Rodney laughed, but it turned into a sob.

John took another step towards him, opening his arms. Rodney resisted when John pulled him into a hug, but eventually let John enfold him in his arms.

"I..."

"I know. Me too," John only said.

They pulled apart enough to be able to look at each other.

When John leaned in, Rodney didn't pull away.


End file.
